Stern gits r dun: June 2006

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Guns 'N' Roses

There comes a time in every man or woman's life where they must spend too much money to see a band that should no longer exist. That time came for Pete Sayia, Leigh Sayia and myself as we acquired tickets to see the greatest rock band ever, Guns 'N' Roses.

Pregaming in the only way I know how:

Red General + Red Marlboro

The date was June 7th, 2006. At age 44, Axl, who is the only original member, delivered a dominating performance. Dominating may not even be strong enough. He belted out the originals like it was 1991 and dropped some new stuff on the crowd. His new band was flawless. His lead guitarist, who he referred to as the ribbed condom of guitar players, was great. Axl's connections to Barry Bonds and Balco are working. He owned the stage, breaking out the classic look at the floor and swaying dance moves. The dude fired up the crowd like nothing I have ever seen. If GnR opened every USA World Cup game with one of their classics it would have guaranteed us a seat in the finals. Between the adrenaline your body excretes when hearing the opening chords of Welcome to the Jungle and witnessing the perfectly timed pyrotechnics, you will be ready to see bodies fall and heads roll.

You know Axl is in town when pitbulls cower...

...and I'm spending $40 on a tee shirt.

Here's the set we heard:

'Welcome To The Jungle' - DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?!?!?!?
'Its So Easy' - I SEE YOUR SISTER IN HER SUNDAY DRESS...doesn't get better
'Mr Brownstone' - Great song even the DEA couldn't resist
'Live And Let Die' - Axl or McCartney? I'll take the guy who I'm scared of
'Sweet Child O' Mine' - fell into a coma sometime in the first 30 seconds of this classic
'Madagascar' - new stuff
'Better' - new again
'You Could Be Mine' - if you hear this song and don't think Terminator 2, we're not friends
'Knockin' On Heaven's Door' - the 10 min rendition left me wanting to hang a cross from my neck
'The Blues' - new
'IRN' - new again, good shit
'Outta Get Me' - strong
'November Rain' - when Mr. Rose asks for a piano, you give him a motherfucking piano
'My Michelle' - at this point Sebastian Bach from Skid Row came out and you just wanted to break stuff
'Patience' - and the lights they shine so bright (at this point the lights actually brightened!)
'Night Train' - get some - where else but the night train

Then the band left the stage. Only to return and take us to...

'Paradise City' - cue the red white and blue confetti (not kidding) and there's your show to remember

With any hard rock concert you are looking for a kick ass show by whomever is playing. The added benefit at GnR is the crowd that attends. Good God I saw creatures that I never knew existed.

Thanks to:

The gross looking overweight and cross eyed broad in front of us in line (as we waited to enter the venue) who told us that the last time GnR performed, 2 fans were killed. Thanks Debbie Downer, here's an Aids needle labeled anecdote.
The people with incalculable amount of piercing, tattoos, and chains hanging from all body parts
Hair ailments. Lice and dandruff never came together in better harmony than within this crowd
Cool people who chose to drop X so they could air guitar their way to nirvana
What's that other aroma I smell? Oh.
Special shout out to the slut in front of me at the concert with an "aim here" GnR tat on her lower back- she actually had 2 roses with pistols emerging from the stems. I bet she is a virgin.
Second special shout out to the slut in the front who I couldn't see but was holding a sign, that Axl read aloud: "Axl, fuck me and then marry me" He was like, 'marriage, yeah right.'

I think it was this whore.

It's also important to note Axl's new look.

Most of the UK newspapers bashed the show. Axl did show up late and as a result, people who traveled from afar had to leave the show earlier to catch their train (remember trains are prevalent here). All I can say is too fucking bad. If you are planning anything in life around Axl, except maybe a punch to the face, then it's your fault stupid. Be glad you got to see the legend. And speaking of Axl rage, he just got arrested for biting a hotel security guard in Stockholm. He was also deemed to intoxicated to be questioned immediately. Fuck right I paid to see him.

The show was so good I smoked 3 Marlboro Reds and I don't smoke.

Inferno

# posted by STERN @ 1:09 AM

Friday, June 16, 2006

Sardinia: Bloated with Gloating

It has come to my attention that small minority of the readership of this better-than-you-in-all-ways-but-height blog feel that the quality of the material has been slipping. Perhaps the content has been a bit weak of late. Maybe I'm not giving the people what they want? So you went to sterngitsrun and didn't like what you read. Felt it wasn't even worth the key strokes and clicks you used to navigate here. There have been some political posts of late and nude pics are at an all time low. I know my readers. They hate words and eat up areola. Fair enough. I am on the road to improvement.

But the blog still may need a kick in the rear, maybe even the crotch. It is time to take marketing advice from one of the greatest American products ever, Hulk Hogan. When the Hulkster's career began to slip and Vince McMahon decided to be a bitch and disown him, Terry Hogan reinvented himself. He went from good to bad to become Hollywood Hogan. Let me be the first, at least for the next week, to welcome Hollywood Stern. You turned me. I shall turn back to the good side (like Hogan) once I have repaird the moral of my readership. So for the next week stay with me. And again, I can't stress enough that I just spent 5 nights on a beautiful island with my woman, enjoying the food, wine and straight-up getting my paradise on.

The fun hasn't stopped. Over the last 7 days I have gone to a concert featuring THE greatest rock hard rock band ever, an off the hook party with the lax team and have attended the United States first World Cup game in Germany. The best part is, I will post, describe and we will all share in it together.

The other best part is that I'm doing all this. I am peaking, I recognize that.

Wasn't I reviewing Sardinia? Yes I was. It's great. It's beautiful. The food excellent. The wine outstanding.

How's this for a starter story? As Betty and I walked the beach shown below on our first full day, we happened upon a boat being paddled by 3 naked women. That's correct. Betty was kind enough to direct my attention in time for me to see them playfully jumping off the side of this blessed vessel in the buff. Some were sunbathing, others paddling the boat with their feet (close to bad naked, but good from 50 yards). Not only did I witness this erotic spectacle first hand, I watched without reprimand from the prancing nymphs or my own bird. Sadly I failed to capture this image on film, but rest assured there were 6 breasts, slender bodies and plenty of booty. Stern: A young jew's erotic journey from London to Alghero

The other benefit is that I speak no Italian, Betty does. I successfully removed myself from society. I pointed at things I wanted; wine, more bread another one of those ham hocks for the road. That is vacationing.

Most days were spent wandering the town and beaches. I have never moved slower for 5 days of my life than during my tenure in Alghero. Nobody does anything quickly. Except driving is a different story. Anyone who has driven in Italy can attest that your life is in danger if you get on the road. I rented an awesome Fiat. wait for laughter and continue...
Let's say I was getting passed by minivans, delivery trucks and motocycles from 1943. Pretty sure some one on a wheelchair blew by me. It took some time for me to realize I drive like a bitch and apparently walking speed inversely correlates to driving speed.

Below are a few pics from the trip set to the chorus from Snoop Dogg's Nuthin But a G Thang

It's like this