Stern gits r dun

I have acquired 3 new music albums and am yet to pay for them, thanks KK! Thank god too because I needed new tunes.

I walk a lot in London. If I'm not walking I'm on the tube, bus or waiting for one of the first two. My Ipod is a part of me. I'm cyborgish, wires and blinking lights attached to my person. I strive to say nothing to anyone and this helps.


To the album reviews!
1) Rolling Stones
2) Red Hot Chilli Peppers
3) Pearl Jam

First, the best of the three: Rolling Stones "A Bigger Bang" which was released last September (I'm behind, retarded and still cannot dunk a basketball)
Not only do they have the best album title but the old guys still kick it better than the young punks of today. Nearly every song is white guy head noddingly good. (white guys nod, blacks bob) Most of them are upbeat and not like their previous libido killing Wild Horses. Another factor is that Mic and gang are still out there ripping shit up, with senseble lyrics at 107 years of age. Keith Richards, who recently flipped Death the bird for about the 30th time, is recovering from head surgery but still touring this summer. Superhuman.

Second, is the RHCP. They were damn close to being first. Their brand new double-album Stadium Arcadium has the replay value of Return of the Jedi and the charm of an Ewok. And like an Ewok, they have returned a bit to their roots with good guitar solos, great bass playing and funky rhythms. To put out 28 songs of which 75% are excellent is stellar. Keidis dominates with some great singing but the majority of his lyrics still don't make sense. I'd get this album if I didn't already own it.

Third, Pearl Jam's latest entitled Pearl Jam. You want to roundhouse Vedder for the title but
the album is decent. The songs are upbeat but dissimilar to their previous stuff. This works mildly well. Upbeat power chords define this album. However I prefer when Eddie is howling, I'm imitating and girl friend on the verge of pushing the steering wheel into oncoming traffic if I start singing Daughter one more time.

DON'T CALL ME...THE PICTURE...IT WILL REMIIIIEEEIIIEEIIND
errrrrrrrr. CRASH

This has nothing to do with my trip here in England and everything to do with tragic comedy.

Apparently on Mount Everest last week at least 40 people hiked past and did nothing for a dying man, David Sharp.

So forty people saw him. Here at Sterngitsrdun we have an actual record of the collective thoughts of those who passed Mr. Sharp by:

he's a goner. the peak is a few hundred yards away. I didn't come here for charity. why is this guy climbing alone? do poor people every dream of climbing? Is David Sharp's name Top Mount Everest, no. why does my wife even like me?

So these various souls continued on their way to reach the summit. Sharp was suffering from oxygen deficiency. I don't know what assistance they could offer. Apparently the other climbers did not know either.

I have not attempted to climb anything but a corporate ladder. No extra oxygen needed. Just an appetite for bullshit, horse poo and sniffing the occasionaly penguin anus.

I got that last one from March of the Penguins aka Penguin Porn.

Weather there for the last ten and future ten days has not strayed from 80 degrees and sunny.

Now would be the time to post and remind me I'm on the wrong island.

YAH!

I recently purchased a £30 fan. Since then I have been using my space heater at night.

Hello,

Below you will see a fraction of the daily competition I face here in London.

The only thing bigger than the deals this man does is his ego.

The only thing bigger than his ego, you guessed it, his appetite for motorcycle jackets.

I present to you, Greg James, the 2nd most worshipped man in Germany (behind the Hoff).

I have recently learned that Anheauser-Busch has purchased Rolling Rock. The acquisition will sever the historic relationship of Rolling Rock beer with its hometown of Latrobe, PA.

Pennsylvania's 2nd finest brewery inhaled through Anheauser's barley hole. Luckily we Pennsylvanians are still left with the good folks in Pottsville our darling Yuengling.

"We have an ideal opportunity to grow this historic brand," said August Busch IV, president of Anheuser-Busch Inc. "This beer is not like others, and its consumer following is equally distinctive. "

By equally distinctive I believe Mr. Busch is referring to of similar corpulence and odor.

Living in England makes it difficult to not become a soccer fan.

Having World Cup tickets to see the US play the Czech Republic...yeah.

June 12th is going to be epic. I'll be in Germany, ticket in one hand, defibrillator in the other.

On Sunday I attended the Rugby Sunday Sevens. This 7 a-side rugby tournament hosted by and for the commercial real estate players in London.

Held at a rugby club with 4 or 5 different fields, the various firms send their squads out for some serious violence as 1,000 people cheer from the sidelines. My Firm apparently was bounced in the first round last year and everyone was eager for a stronger performance in 2006. The main field is surrounded by large tents where each firm will set up shop to serve food, booze and provide shelter to those who want to throw up in peace.

My appetite for violence and beer were both satisfied as the Firm fought its way to the semi-finals while distributing enough booze to keep me and the fan base bloated and interested.

It was infinitely more enjoyable than the real estate games held annually in DC. There's really no comparison. The real estate games hold three legged races, gay golf competitions, and the closest thing you'll come to violence is chair hockey (sit in an office chair and push yourself around the court cheap hockey stick in hand, splinters possible). Rugby needs little explanation. I don't need to sit here and describe the pleasure derived from watching and hearing a face on face collision leaving two people bleeding. Additionally, the real estate games serve cheap subs and Sprite. Sunday Sevens holds large cookouts, beer, Pimms, and by the final game everyone is ruined. Fuck subs and Sprite.
I have had fun at past real estate games but it just doesn't hold a candle. Plus it's for charity. yuck.

I’d like to share a revelation I’ve had, Mr. Anderson

BUYING A GRILL IS REVOLUTIONARY

Had a nice little Monday (well it was May 1st) planned out the other week complete with a trip to Home Base. Home Base is the UK’s smaller, weaker, and just as orange version of Home Depot.

Upon entering Home Base, a wave of relief rushed over me as I realized prices were reasonable and items were sold in bulk. AMERICA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ended up settling on an Italian made grill because history has taught me nothing. A tank of butane cost me about $50. Can’t remember what I used to pay on Columbia Pike, but I’m pretty sure $20 covered it. So after swallowing my tongue and sticking a fork in my eye, I made it home with my new baby.

After wiping my ass with the Italian instruction manual, I examined the parts before me. Everything seemed to be there. And actually assembly went smoothly, despite having to force feed screws into some tight Italian holes. Oh!

Luckily I avoided the Homer building a dog house experience.

Stern, party of one:

this post is going to be politically oriented so if you can't find Iraq on a map stop reading now.

W plans to deliver 6,000 well trained National Guard to the Mexican border. Looking ahead, I will enjoy watching some one as verbally sure footed as this president talk his way out of this newly proposed stunt.

19 minutes well spent on nothing. I was hoping at least to find out that we'd be invading Mexico early next week.

It's all part of the hispanic reach out plan, a subdivision of compassionate conservatism.

Why is this outrageous?

simple.

• W's proposed 2006 budget, when revealed, funded only 210 new border agents - mission accomplished
• You're telling me good people like Karl Rove aren't creative enough to bolster basement ratings without appealing to xenophobia? Actually this strategy may work. Since every policy initiative under sun has proven a failure, might as stick with political ones. I am predicting a 10% racism spike in ratings.
• Is this really the best use of the National Guard? We all know that weekend crusading Guard members need to stick with that they know: eletricuting Iraqi genitailia.
• Distraction. From? Well everything really. Iraq, Afghanistan, Katrina contracts, CIA intelligence failures, fiscal failures, Lobbiest lawsuits, wire-tapping...too tired to go on...need to focus on saving money

I'm all for some immigration reform and protecting out borders but must admit, I mildly disagree with the direction W is heading.

But if this is a political move, hmmm, how to maximize this photo op?

Imagine W being slowly lowered from a shiny helicopter on a wire, wearing chaps and a red, white and blue flannel, sleeves optional. As his descends softly onto a waiting ATV he pitches his ten galloon hat to the side and slowly cruises, prowling for border jumpers. Chicanos beware! This man was in the Air National Guard, the very same people who are currently down to hate on some brown. As Cheney flushes out little Pedro from hiding in the brush (recently cleared and cut by W himself) he mistakenly shoots Alberto Gonzalez. The attorney general thanks him for the free torture and happily remarks how he sold out his own people while he cracks a cold Corona.

Sicker than the president himself is the extreme right who are far from satisfied with current immigration law. Those who believe America is being destroyed by this hispanic immigration wave. And yet the children of this fine nation don't know their ass from a hole in the ground, and by that I mean geography. 2/3's of Americans 18-24 that can't find Iraq on a map, please tell me how that is still possible? The war is 3 years old. Well 50% couldn't find New York and it's at least 250 years old. It's not even geographic ignorance that is "destroying" America, but general indifference - whether it be facts, issues or meaningful debate. Like the fact that not one of my close friends back home watches Lost.

Lastly, while I'm still popping a squat on the administration, please tell me you saw the 27 year CIA veteran call out Rumsfeld last week in Atlanta? I caught the clip on BBC and couldn't stop laughing. In the question-and-answer period, former CIA analyst and now my hero Ray McGovern spit hot fire at Rumsfeld on his claim of WMD in Iraq. When Rummy denied making such remarks, McGovern quoted his exact words and gave the date and location (Meet The Press March 2003, everyone's seen the clip 4000 times). No other comment needed other than, awesome work McGovern. That man deserves a Patrick Ewing size chest bump.

It's where I eat almost every work day.

Picture a 200 square foot hole in the wall that is standing room only - a glass counter displays cold cuts and behind it 2 shrunken old foreign women make sandwiches for about £2.50 ($4.30!). More importantly, the portions served dominate any local competition.

Wally is also there, taking orders and helping out which means there are 3 people crammed into a space 1 Pennsylvanian could not fit. 2 more sandwiches and I will be that Pennsylvanian.

Wearing gloves while preparing other people's food is not standard practice at Wally's. Additionally, to ensure maximum exposure to filth all three employees not only prep sandwiches, they handle money. Logistically, this is the only supply chain management system that would work given the space constraints. It would be safe to bet that if Wally's were big enough to have an employee bathroom the plaque would read: Get back to work, washing your hands takes time.
Lastly, I have noticed that Wally has open sores on his hands and forearms. No matter though - if needbe I could pick Wally above my head Ultimate Warrior style and show his face what cold canvass feels like.
He's shorter than me.

In a 5 day work week I eat at Wally's 5 times. I'll get in 3 lunches and 2 breakfasts. You can't beat a cup of coffee for £0.65! Anywhere else is about £1.50 or above and at that point you're approaching a $3.00 coffee.
Oh and side commentary - if you are male living in the US and you pay more than $3 for your morning fix then I wish herpes on your first born.

So I sprinkle fingernail dirt on those that chastise me for being a germaphobe.
If I don't shake your hand it's because I don't like you.

Stern

Goes to my long lost and oldest friend Geoff Knight. If you didn't get a chance to read it, I have copied it below - as you will see, it is the best post of the year thus far and in my opinion funnier than anything I have written.

Geoff has a legitimate shot of being the closest thing to Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey from American Beauty) of anyone I have ever met, except Geoff is smarter and I do not expect him to get shot by a closeted gay yet homophobic ex military neighbor. He may lust after his daughter's friends.

Great to hear from you brother.

and now the post!

geoff said...
Hey will, i just finished perusing the entirety of your blog postings and i gotta say, funny. not you-getting-hit-in-the-groin-with-a-golfball-during-your-twelfth-birthday-at-that-pitch-and-putt funny, but funny nonetheless. its good to see you're doing well and having fun over there. i could say ive been too busy to read your posts, but the truth is i lost my sister's email with your post address and just today had the opportunity to cruise the web looking for your blog (and smooth vietnamese boys). how was i able to spend my last two hours reading about your last four months? easy. i got fired yesterday. from a job where almost everyone else dropped out of high school. for attending the mandatory health insurance meeting for all employees. you say they're looking for arms salesmen in slovenia eh? so my life sucks the big one now and as such i figure that moving back home to get my life in order may actually make me cooler. i don't know if this will happen (and god i hope it doesn't), but just to be safe, I'm giving away my porn to the crackhead down the street. anyways, just thought i could drop a little rain on the sunny life of an englishman. I'll keep in touch and maybe scratch enough dough together for a long weekend at the end of the summer or in the fall.
PS - i'll bring Chipotle

As in Kristy Kettles, was here.

Seen below at a local celebrity event with one of the more successful and attractive members of the Real World London

for the record i'm not taller than KK
also for the record she made it past 7:30 pm...this time

I was kind enough to introduce KK to a little pub close to where I used to go to school. She took to it like Yorke to a free broker lunch.

Joining her was her friend Natalie and Natalie's brother Anthony, who informed me that he "cleans bird shit on tax payer money" for a living. He's in the Air Force stationed outside London and apparently, he does remove bird poo.

We got nicely lit on a Tuesday night, failed on Saturday and unfortunately for KK, we were a bit too successful on Sunday night - and from what was reported, she did not properly prepare her body for transatlantic travel on Monday.

I had a Bank Holiday and slept in. Yak.

More shots from page 6

Lamb sausages

Lamb Chops

1 steak

3 Rolling Rocks

It’s amazing that after your 18th viewing of the third installment of the Lord of The Rings (Return of the King) you can still see why it won 11 precious Oscars.

Yeah I wrote that.

But oh yeah, Slo, Slo, Slo SLOVENIA!

I went there. Only 2 million people vive alli. Look to the chicken wing on the map below. mmmm, wings.


I’ve been told traveling in Europe on Easter weekend can be problematic. Well hell, not if you’re traveling to the best and commiest the former Yugoslavia has to offer. Kirkman and I arrived at Gatwick expecting to find pandemonium. Instead we waited behind no people in line at the Adria Airlines ticket counter. From there it was on to Garfunkle’s for a quick breakfast before entering into the dietery unknown.

John Chump Change Kikman paying for breakfast.


Landing in Ljubljana, pronounced Loob-e-yana, is a gem. There were no more than 2 airplanes on the tarmac, the sun was shining, alps rising in the background and everyone is issued their complimentary peace keeping SKS’s, which is the predecessor to the better known AK-47. Not sure what that was about. With a population of only 300,000 people, this deadly game of paintball won't last long.

The money is the Slovenian Tolar, where 200 Tolars = $1. Taking out 30,000 ain’t nothing when you stack paper like me.



Who doesn’t sniff new money?

The first day we were there, Friday April 14th was outstanding. Weather was great complete with wine and ugly Croatian women trying to get some. Yeah Slovenia is not Croatia – but there was some kind of Croat tourism fair outside our hotel.



Luckily the beer was cold, the city center pleasant. The city is built around this great looking glacial river that flows through it.



More city.


Day 1 was spent exploring the city in between local draft beers made by the one and only brewery in Slovenia, Union. We found a street market where everyone seemed to be gathering. I approached a fruit stand thinking that purchasing an orange might not be a bad idea, because it will probably be the last healthy item I consume until the IV at the hospital is plugged into my veins. I approached one lady selling fruit, so I grabbed a couple of oranges off her cart. Immediately the horrible sound that is spoken Slovene was being shouted at me. You are not supposed to grab want you want and pay, like how God intended. In Slovenia, you tell them how many items you want than they are supposed to pick. Complicating this transaction, as I learned later, is that to the Slovenes, I look Serbian. Serbian = opposite of good. I was told this on several occasions. Serbians are considered shady, cheeky, lower class Slavs.
This fit me nicely.
Blessed with my new found power, I stepped up my intentional bumping into people at clubs. It’s not often I can instill fear into my fellow man. Let’s say I exploited this opportunity just a tad. Like at the bars later that night, the club and then getting a 3 AM kebab. Repeat the cycle for 4 nights and you have one egomaniacal fake Serb.


Day 2 involved a trip to Lake Bled. Really really ridiculously good looking.


I biked around the lake. Bitch.

Day 3 was Easter, so naturally it was time for…GOOD MOTHER F*CKING CHOICE


Day 4 we got ourselves involved in one of those weird tour buses that takes you to 4 different places and you’re forced to hang with an international goon squad. This one actually worked out for us. And folks, let me tell you why: 4 HOUR LUNCH.
Stopping by the coastal town of Piran on the Adriatic Sea, Kirkman and I found ourselves eating an intensively good Italian lunch alongside two fat Kiwis, who naturally, were also there for the food. Bottles of wine, Slovenian beer and buttload of pasta with Lobster were downed for absolutely no reason except I didn’t give an F about seeing the town church. For my actions, God rewarded me with sunburn to the face and forearms. Thanks big guy.


Day 5 was spent biking around the massive park Tivoli and smuggling a few people.

Slovenia is a fantastic place. Ljubljana is a fun little city. This entry doesn’t come close to doing it justice. Like how the Michael Jackson movie didn’t show the aftermath of too much Jesus Juice. But if it means anything, I would absolutely return and trade some arms.

I think of all the ridiculous stuff I learned while there, being informed that Mormons and Baptists have come to spread their (edited profanity) to these peaceful (well at least for the last 15 years!) people is the most sickening and shocking. Well not really shocking. Normal.

Second to that is the fact that Ljubljana has a lacrosse team. That deserves a big WOW.


Third, to take a page out of that pu$$y of pop culture and sports, Bill Simmons aka Sports Guy (yes I read his columns) - nba.com is telling me that there are currently 5 Slovens playing professional basketball. 1 in 200,000 males will play professional hoops. The only one you might have heard of is Radoslav "Rasho" Nesterovic - you know, the oafy white center who backs up fundamentally sound but hard to watch Tim Duncon of the Spurs.

SLOVENIA…F YEAH

Now time to watch Mr. Frodo carry the ring safely to Mordor.
AND SCENE.

Thank God I'm not wealthy.

Those of you that read might have seen articles released yesterday on this topic. One of the articles that details can be found here:

<http://www.newscientist.com/article.ns?id=dn9098&feedId=online-news_rss2>

For those of you that don't hyperlink, know this:
I have been living here for over 4 months and seen some of the most disgusting and unhealthy diets this island has to offer. Yet the richest Americans can barely hang with the po brits.

"The researchers found that U.S. citizens in late middle age are much less healthy than their English counterparts for diabetes, hypertension, heart disease, heart attack, stroke, lung disease and cancer," the press release said. For instance, it said, the prevalence of diabetes was twice as high in the United States as in England and hypertension was 10 percent more common in America.

Please note that my father and my girl friend emailed me this article within 16 minutes of one another. I get it guys, I'm a statistic.

Will